Most days I feel like a massive failure. I look around at everything my friends have accomplished, my "facebook friends", and I want to curl up and cry.
What am I doing with my life, my degree?
When I became pregnant with my first I chose to attend college so I could become something for my child and myself, even though that had never been my dream. I came in last and that was all right. I completed 4 years of college while raising a baby alone. My family helped as much as they could which was tremendous, but I was still alone.
I moved away to attend a 4 year, met a man, got married, had another baby, and am now a stay at home mom. My degree sits in a closet somewhere, the only writing I do to testify to that degree is this blog and my Facebook statuses (which are epic) but none of that is anywhere near what I went to college for.
I was going to be an editor, a writer, an actor, a singer. I was going to DO something to make my child's life better than mine was.
I cook food at least twice a day, fix snacks constantly between myself, my kids, my husband, my nephew, and all the neighbor kids who practically live at our house. I clean up after everyone, including my husband because he's worse than our 7 year old. A fact that constantly kills me since he's a 23 year old married adult, but I digress.
But I do nothing that I wanted to do. Nothing I had planned to do.
Then today I read something, a "what to do when you need to feel good about yourself" article. One thing stood out to me. "what would your 6 year old self think about where you are today?"
My 6 year old self would be ecstatic!
At that point in my life I wanted to be a stay at home mom to 100 kids with a husband who loved me. The only thing I wanted in my life was a husband who loved me and children because I LOVE children. I love acting like an idiot just to make them laugh, I love holding them, I even love dealing with most of their fits because they're just so adorable.
I wanted a house of my own, a father for my children - something I never had - stuff of my own, happiness, love, and kids.
Why am I letting myself and other people make me feel like a failure for not doing what they think I should when in reality, this is exactly what I wanted?
What am I doing with my life? Teaching my children to grow up and be the best women they can be, to be strong, resilient, independent, happy, amazing creatures that love God and their families. There is no failure there.
I'd say you are pretty darn awesome Roze. You're one of those Moms I wish I could be like. You have fun, you're always in a seemingly positive mood, grateful, and above all....genuine. You're always yourself. Do you have any idea how rare that is to see? You at least seem to have your life together. You have beautiful children, a husband that's always holding them, and I very much look forward to anything you have to say or share. How you manage to keep it together and always smile is amazing and I thank you. For reminding me how very blessed I am. To have God in my life, beautiful children, a warm home, food, etc. I really appreciate you Roze. Your life matters. You wanted to make a difference and you are. In the lives of your family and those around you. ♡ You rock! : )
ReplyDeleteThank you :) I certainly try to be positive and look at the good things inMy life. In all honestly this blogging thing is really helping with that because it forces me to look closely at everything in my life. Things that I tend to overlook admist all the crap going on.
DeleteBut thank you, really. I struggle a LOT with feeling like a crap Mom :)
I totally loved this :) You are amazing Rose, keep up the great work :)
ReplyDelete