Touch.

My husband and I are fighting. Again. Seems like since just before Reyna's birth its all we've been doing. We have these moments where we're totally happy, no problems with each other, and I just want to wrap myself up in a cocoon of him. 

But they're not often and they don't last long.

Usually its not anything serious, just annoyances that morph into major anger because I'm not one to talk about my feelings. Seriously, I'd rather sit in the bathroom and cut my skin until Steven finds and forces me to talk than to just talk.

I guess it makes me feel like he cares, if he's chasing me and worrying enough to figure out the problem. If I have to tell him I'm upset and explain why because he hasn't noticed he's done something wrong, it somehow means less. That's kind of my immature extremely non existent self esteem speaking though, and as much as I try to control it I can't.

We play these online games; I'm the only woman whose ever played them with him so to me it's special. Stupid, but a feeling.  So I've let him know that it hurts when he plays alone, that I would prefer if he doesn't. He tells me won't and I believe him because he's the only person ever that I've trusted 100%. 

But he lied. More than once.

Everything in me broke. It was like shattering into too many pieces to even attempt a fix and and all I could see was every other betrayal I've ever experienced. On top of him not caring about anything in my life lately, he deliberately killed my very fragile trust. I spent 15 minutes cutting myself in the bathroom and sobbing, then calmly walked to bed and fell asleep.

It's been days of me ignoring his touch, giving him only the barest of attention because I needed him to earn me back, subconscious or no. We interacted in front of Lindzy while I broke a little more every time he tried to touch me and I pulled away.

Today while getting in bed I accidentally brushed my half dressed body against his. I nearly cried. Its been so long since I've felt him, since he's touched me, since I've been wanted. I wrapped my body around myself in an effort to stay away, to stay angry.

I'm hurting him as much as he's hurting me. "Do I get no sympathy?" I said no.  I turned away from his problems and his feelings to dwell in mine. 

So I caved.  

I nudged his sleeping body and begged him to hold me. His arms wrapping around me spoon style melted my resistance. My heart. I dissolved into his body and wept.

We're still not OK, our trust so fragile it's like a spider web in a snow storm. But no one can keep refraining from touch. To deny ourselves human interaction makes us less human, it makes us base anger and hatred. So we'll keep touching, keep loving even when all I want to do is instinctively push him away. We'll argue, but only while hugging. 

It makes it hard to scream and hate when someone is absorbing all your tears with their chest.