Obese Mothers: How DO They Do It.

Our family actually being outside; gasp! 

I recently stumbled upon a question about obese mothers. "How do they do it?" It went on to say that she squatted, ran after, played with, and spent so much time doing things with her baby she didn't even have time to eat. So how does an obese mother manage? But no offense meant.

First of all if she hadn't wanted to be offensive she wouldn't have used the term obese; clinically correct yes, necessary no. I prefer heavy or big. She also wouldn't have implied that an obese woman is only that way because she eats all the time and can't do anything.

Second, sorry this response took so long, I was too busy playing on the floor with my baby.

When did it become socially appropriate to ask a rude question as long as you follow it with "no offense meant"? There was great offense taken. And for the very clear record, being big is not the same as being on bed rest.

Many people responded though I refrained and didn't waste my anger reading the over 500 comments.

Being a very big person I am so completely offended by society assuming we are lazy, eat a lot, don't try, and can't be good parents. Do we tell parents in wheelchairs they must be bad parents? No, because that would be rude and untrue.

These days being fat is worse than supporting Hitler [which I do not] and its the only thing [aside from Christianity] that is allowed to be openly mocked. Someone fat happens to be in your way or does something you don't like? Well then, lets respond with a "fat ass" comeback because obviously them being fat has everything to do with their behavior.

I'm big. Very big, yet I am still, shockingly, able to take care of my children. I had one of the worst pregnancies possible bar none, ending in a car wreck, 36 hours of pitocin contractions,  and a c section. I then had my gallbladder taken out with an emergency surgery before my incision was even healed. I still took care of my children.

Just days after my car wreck and cs I chose to walk in Wal-Mart while grocery shopping because the fat shaming I was afraid of is too prevalent and allowed. A thin woman would have ridden a cart in a second after what I'd been through. I wore a wound vac holding my stomach together with just air, the cut pulled and stretched with every step, my body was full of bruises and cuts and aching joints from the car wreck, and I had been on bed rest for so long because of the pre-eclampsia that my energy was pretty depleted.

But I gritted my teeth, pulled up those amazing knitted panties they give you in the hospital, and walked on.

If anything being overweight makes me work harder to prove I can do it and still be a great parent. I take my girls outside, I wake up almost every hour at night to take care of a sleep regressed 6 month old, I make dinner, run errands, clean the house, and do everything else a "thin" person does.

My oldest obviously in need of better parenting.

This question just cemented my belief that people don't understand overweight women at all. I barely eat 3 meals a day, have a thyroid condition that affects every second of my life, and sleep on average 2 hours a night.

I also "wrestle strollers one handed" and carry a nearly 20 pound baby in her heavy carseat [though the wreck messed up my shoulder so I lob that onto my husband as often as possible, obviously because I'm fat]. I crawl on my knees to play with Reyna, I play tennis with Lindzy, and we love taking family walks. Shouldn't I, instead of being ridiculed, be looked on with a little respect for still doing everything "even though I'm obese"? Maybe I take everything too much to heart and she didn't mean to be offensive.  But I doubt it.

In no world is comparing bed rest to obesity NOT offensive.

Why do women [because we're kind of the bitchy species] feel the need to judge based on anything? What makes a good parent isn't ones ability to do squats while holding their 20 lb baby [though I recently finished the Dark Horse work out twice while holding Reyna], nor does it have anything to do with how quickly and well you chase after your children. Do "obese" people love their child any less than a thin one? No.

No one would ever make that remark to a parent because to imply someone doesn't love their child enough is a huge no-no.

Unfortunately this mindset is seen in doctors as well. If a person is big and pregnant they're told they will have many complications, probably a cs, will develop gestational diabetes, and are told to see a nutritionist to learn how to eat correctly. Those are uncalled for comments! Even professionals treat us differently purely because we happen to be bigger than they are. Its something that needs to change, but probably won't.

So I'm big, obese even, and I'm offended. But that's something I'll need to get used to since apparently obese women deserve to be treated badly.

Bad obese mama.

Motherhood: The only job with zero rights.

People treat complaining mothers like they treat crack addicts - with zero pity or understanding. Every other job in the world gets complained about so why aren't mothers allowed to vent? Is it because we're taught to believe that we're allowed to judge anyone we want? Or because we think mother's have it easy therefore they have no reason to complain? Or, in my experience, it's because "some people don't get to be mothers". 

Well that makes complete sense.

Since some people don't get to be dog owners we should probably not complain about how the dog shit on our bed. Since some people can't drive a car because they're not old enough complaining about how boring it is to drive 2 hours a day to work is totally gauche. Or better yet, every single person who complains to a friend or on any form of social media should probably be ostracized and then verbally abused because whatever they're complaining about someone else would be grateful to have.

Really?

Motherhood is hard fucking work. Ignoring every post I've made in the past about great it is, and it is, let's focus on the fact that it's real work. Add in a working mother, or even a semi working mother, and it's even worse. I'm not working at the moment, and I'm married, but I was a single mother who worked and went to school for 4 years so I can compare both sides and in all honesty working and college was MUCH easier. 

Is it easier having a husband who "helps out?" Sometimes. But he's really like a third child. Wait, does complaining about him when people might not have a husband make me a bad person?

People are allowed to complain about every other aspect of their lives so why when a parent wants to vent or long for time of their own are they considered bad? After dealing with 2 sick grumpy children who pooped/puked on everything in sight while also being sick and on massive cramps (for the 8th time in 3 months fyi) I think I've earned the right to complain.

People think that motherhood is all rainbows and hearts when in fact it's more tears and screaming than anything else.

Do I enjoy every second of having a child? Of course! Am I grateful that I get children and am lucky enough to stay at home with them? Completely. Does that mean I don't have moments of insanity and frustration? Absolutely not.

When a sick baby has been screaming in your face for days, a needy child has been unable to do even the most base of things for herself, when you're sick, when everything is falling apart around your feet you're allowed to have a moment. Because, keep in mind, while all that is going on you're also making dinner cleaning up after everyone (mostly your "third child") helping your eldest with homework and trying to make sure that you raise good, respectful, smart, and honest God-loving children. 

A person who is entrenched in children and "Color Crew" every day, all day is going to want a break sometimes. I deal with spit and puke and poop and screaming and clinging nearly every second of the day. Complaining doesn't make me a bad person, nor does it make me love my children and my "job" any less. It doesn't make me any less grateful. It just makes me human. 

People need to stop downing on everyone for their choices. 

We all need to realize that hurting someone else doesn't do anything but HURT someone else. I still marvel in every second of being a mother. I will never love my child any less just because I complain about the bad days. 

Everyone is allowed to have days, stop treating mothers like they're any different. 

Out Of All The Jobs In All The Worlds...

 Everyday is dress and do what you want day

Society seems to look at motherhood and being a SAHM (stay at home mom) as something a person does because they have no other options. Why now, when it used to be something women were expected to do, is it treated as something so unworthy?

Why are women made to feel guilty for wanting to be a SAHM?

Out of all the jobs in all the worlds this is what I choose to do. Does that mean I have no other talents or desires? Not at all. It means that the desire and motivation to be a mother is greater than my want to do or be anything else. Does it mean I have no options because I'm a talent less lazy fuck? Absolutely not.

Being a SAHM requires a lot of knowledge, it's not for the stupid lazy people. What other job forces you to know some of everything?

I could be a writer; research and spend hours putting words to keyboard that would sound either eloquent or blatantly sexual (because really, I can do only the 2) or I could be an editor. I could go back to school for my Master's, because yes, even though I'm a lowly SAHM I have a bachelors degree. Not only that, but I earned nearly a 3.9 in my degree classes.

I don't want to.

What I woke up to the other morning :) 

Does that mean I'm a failure with no motivation?

No. It means that I CHOOSE to devote all of my time to raising the most important people in my life. I have to know how to cook - even if it's just whipping up a box of mac 'n' cheese. I have to drive, teach, entertain, counsel, discipline, and do a million (I literally mean a million) other things every single day for my children.

I run with them, roll on the floor, we exercise to dance videos and the kinect when it's rainy outside, I chased a baby who learned to walk at 9 months around because she was that independent, we go for walks up and down and up and down and up and down our driveway - so tell me again that I choose to stay at home because I'm lazy.

Sunny days are always celebrated

With my first I didn't have a husband or money so I wasn't allowed the luxury of staying home. I went to college as soon as she turned 10 days old and didn't finished until she was 4 1/2. With my second I've been home the entire time and I can safely say that I regret attending school. I regret not being home with my first and spending every second making her laugh or teaching her new things.

At the time it's what I had to do and I would come home and spend every second that I could with her. I would tell her about my day, ramble on about everything I happened to do and she would babble back and laugh at my exaggeration. Then she would sit beside me while I did homework and we would fall asleep together.

Always together.

When a woman stays at home she isn't just taking care of her children, she's also taking care of every other aspect of the house. In my case that's bills, searching for a better/different avenue of jobs for my husband, reminding him to do his homework, making sure he gets to work/class on time, filling out job applications and school papers for him, taking care of our year old dog, yard work, house work, and everything else that might possibly need done. As well as caring for a very needy baby.

I had to ask my boss about vacation time...

If I ask my husband to help out sometimes, maybe do dishes once a week because it's a chore that fills my bones with so much hatred I could fill hell, that's all right. The other thing people seem to do is make us SAHM's think we have to do every little thing with absolutely no help. Even my own family members tend to make me feel guilty and like I'm a terrible wife for expecting my husband to do a few things.

Since when did wanting him to pick up after himself like I ask of our SEVEN year old become a crime?

Seriously. Life is about so much judgement that a person can't make a single choice without someone hating on them for it. If I waited on my husband hand and foot, did everything for him and let him play games all day (as he does) then I would be bitched at for not making him be a responsible productive member of the household. For letting him walk all over me. 

I guess I've shifted away from the original point of the blog and into something a whole lot bigger. (Though to keep it on track, it's just more reasons being a SAHM means you aren't just lazy and stupid)

The point is that I love staying at home, through all the drama, the bullshit, the judging, the choices, the reprimands, this is best and most rewarding job of my life.

Who cares about looking stupid when you make your child laugh?

People also forget that to stay home means fun. You get to spend every moment with your children doing stupid things and laughing. And to be clear, making a child laugh can actually be a very difficult thing. Sarcasm and over exaggeration is necessary.

What's bad about that? 

Society needs to recognize that staying home isn't a cop out, it's a choice. Just as working is a choice. Both are valid, both are needed, and both make you worth just as much as the other. The hatred needs to stop.

Tantrums

This is how my 6 month old cries these days. Hilarious eh?

Every child throws fits. Even those "perfect children" have moments, whether they're in public or in private. The sad part is that most people treat parents whose children throw fits as bad, like they can't control their children.

That's not how it works!

My first born was an amazing child. I started school when she was 10 days old so I was extremely lucky with how easy she was. She would play by herself, "read" on her own, and sometimes just sit beside me while I did my homework the entire time I attended school.

But she wasn't perfect.

In public it was pretty easy to control her fits. A harsh quietly spoken word would generally shut it down quickly. I was lucky to have that "perfect" child who listened most of the time. Though not always.

At Wal-Mart, 2 years old, she didn't want to continue the shopping trip. "Ok, I'll just leave you here," generally works with kids. If not, when you start to walk off they run after you in terror at being left alone. Not my independent child. "Ok," she said, sitting down on the floor. I walked away, knowing I could see her around a corner yet she'd be unable to see me. I waited nearly ten minutes, she had moved on to lying in the middle of room, before I finally had to go back and physically put her into a cart and make her leave.

Not a huge fit, but one of the biggest and first she had ever "thrown" in public. Did I get stares? You bet. How could I walk away from my child? How was I such a terrible parent that I couldn't control her?

My first letting me know she was finished taking pictures. 

It's normal! For fucks sake, children also have minds of their own and they can't express it like an adult can.

When we moved into my husband's parent's house for a bit she really started acting out. Not sure what tipped her into the terrible two's at 5, but it was full force.

At church, which she's been attended since birth and therefore knows exactly what is an isn't appropriate, she wanted to lay on the floor. I said no. The screaming started. Quietly spoken words, veiled threats, open threats, nothing worked so we took her out front to let her scream it out for a few minutes, thinking she would work her way through it if we ignored her.

Didn't happen.

Fifteen minutes into it I realized it wasn't going to end and everyone inside could hear. This wasn't my church so I was extremely embarrassed and didn't want to inconvenience anyone. We decided to walk home where she would spend the day in her bed until she calmed down.

We walked on. She followed a couple steps, then stopped and screamed. A couple steps, more screaming. It was so loud and intense that people actually came out of their homes to ask if we were kidnapping her, or if she was hurt. "No, nope. We're good thank you." I'm actually really surprised that we didn't end up having the cops called on us for this one.

If the ground had opened up I would have willingly stepped inside to escape the stares.

We walked the 5 miles home, me silently fuming and hating the fact that I chose to wear flip flops, her screaming and crying, and my husband shaking his head. Inside I was a mess, MIL saying we were giving her what she wanted, implying I was a bad parent. Was I a bad parent? It has NEVER left my mind.

That sort of fit never happened again though. Whether it was the walk or the punishment of bed and ignoring her I have no idea.

I called her a rude face after she screeched at me for not picking her up.

In private, she still acted out. During dinner she refused to eat something, didn't want to sit down, didn't want to calm down or stop talking. Eventually I removed her from the situation by taking her down stairs. I had to drag/carry her to get her down there, screaming and yelling at me the whole time.

About 30 minutes later I recieved a text,  "Is Lindzy ok?" Well barely because I came with in an inch of freaking out why? I had accidentally called my friend and she got a ten minute voice mail of Lindzy crying and yelling, thumps as she kicked the wall or stairs on the way down, and me telling her to stop. Begging really because I was at my end by that point. 

That was the worst private fit, so of course it was also public humiliation.

Once she threw her head down in anger and smacked it on the floor.
Once she listened and didn't react in anger.
Once she had to stomp for 5 minutes because she had stomped at me in anger.
Once she calmly told me how she felt and we discussed it.

Even my 6 month old has started throwing fits. They're rather hilarious since all she can do is grunt and wave her arms and legs around. She's also started throwing in the word "mama" when I don't respond to her upset quick enough.

The best thing to do is look at it in humor, even when you want to poke your ears out and pour acid in your eyes. Remember that the fit will go away, it literally can't last forever even if it lasts till they're an adult.

The demon spawn that has become your child will eventually drift away to the sweet baby you fell in love in love with.

Ignore the stares because chances are they don't have children, and if they do, they haven't gotten "lucky" and had to deal with a fit yet.

But it will happen. 

Even to the best child. Every child will throw at least one terrible fit that makes you lose your shit and question your decision to be a parent.

If all else fails, I've heard throwing fits back at them in public works wonders on the older children.