I Need An Efing Break.

who isn't happy at a wedding 

Some days I need a break.

I get uncontrollable waves of anger slamming against my skin from the inside and nothing settles it. I repress it, push it back, and control it with the minifits and whining I have to fix throughout the day. I shove it down with the dinners and help finding my husband's watch and glasses and wallet and everything else he manages to misplace while changing the baby whose somehow stuck her foot in a poopy diaper.

I control the desire to run because I have no choice.

I control the desire to scream because I have no choice.

I do it because I love my family, I love my children, and I love my life even when I want to run away. I don't want a break forever, obviously. Everything in me is meant to be a mom and a wife. I love it. But that doesn't mean I don't sometimes need a break.

she figured out how to open the powder 

Its never happened before. This uncontrollable, unnamed feeling of being overwhelmed to the point of tears. Is 2 children really that much more difficult than 1? Or is more going on that's feeding this restless need to get out of my house?

I am a SAHM and as such I'm greeted with the expectation that everything is always perfect, that smiles and hugs conquer all, and that I am always happy.

I call bull shit.

Its true that I'm woken with smiles and happiness on most occasions and that cuddles and hugs can fix a lot in life. But more often I'm met with tears and screaming, with tiny feet digging into the cuts and fat on my stomach as they try to escape out the living room window daddy let them go through once. Thanks daddy.

On a daily basis my oldest is throwing fits. Its like overnight, or at least since school ended, she has morphed into this teenager [at 8] that is only happy away from home or constantly entertained. I think the sleep adjustment, ie staying up till 1 am but still waking around 7, is causing a lot of problems. Over tiredness is making her whiny and grating on my constant migraines.

My youngest has a bit of a sleep problem. She likes to stay up till 6 am, be forced to sleep, and then wake up a few hours later once again refusing to sleep. We sleep in 3 hour incriments that I get to participate in if I'm lucky. Its like constant naps but no actual sleeping. As a result we're both quite grumpy and irritable.

teenager

So quick recap.

One child tired, whiny, grumpy, throwing fits, and being mostly helpless.

One child tired, whiny, grumpy, throwing minifits, and being completely helpless.

One husband who works nights so he's either sleeping or gone.

All.
The.
Time.

Why do I want to run away again?

Why, when I have every reason to need a break, do I feel so shitty for wanting it? Why do I feel like being a mom means giving 100 percent and then more even if you can't afford it? That if I don't do that all the time then I'm a bad mom.

Because its conditioned into us at a very early age that mothers are selfless creatures who care nothing for themselves and if they do they are being bad. Because even if no one made it clear that as a SAHM everything is on me, I would still feel like it is. That's the type of person I am.

At this point I would be happy with a child-filled vacation if it meant getting out of my house and away from the fits. What bugs me is that the fits are not normal for my oldest. Not that she's perfect, but as a child she is as close to perfect as one can get.

What did I screw up to make her change?

What did society make me FEEL like I screwed up to make her change?

Because that's the thing, isn't it? Its always our fault as mothers and its always wrong to need time to yourself.

whachu gonna do about it

Do the next best thing and institute mandatory quiet time. Its the first 30 minutes in a long time that I haven't wanted to slit my wrists.

Fuck You Cloth Diapers.

My oldest, obviously in terrible shape because we used disposables

Why is this a thing? It's bad enough having to change a shitty diaper (let's all be honest about how "crappy" that situation is) why would we add hand rinsing it out and then washing it in our laundry machine? Since disposables were created, or even the disposable inserts if you wish, a mother's life became about a million times easier. I know that I have a ton of stuff do get done during the day, adding in all that extra washing and cleaning would ensure I didn't have time for much else.

Besides, it's gross.

And, it's not that much less expensive, especially when you factor in the fact that you need to have the 250+ start up right there. I might have the extra 40 a month for diapers, but I won't have that. If you add in the soap and extra electricity for all the extra washings there isn't much of a difference. In my very humble opinion.

Just because they're cute

And breast feeding. I totally agree with it, I even tried it with both of my children before they were diagnosed with reflux and unable to BF. And the fact that I couldn't produce enough to keep my little chunker happy did have something to do with it. But why is it acceptable to push it? To make mothers feel like a failure if they aren't into breast feeding.

It's cheaper.

That is a reasonable point because formula is crazy expensive. But so is all the extra calories you need to consume in order to not waste away if you actually make enough breast milk to BF. Losing weight at a super quick rate isn't healthy, especially if you're not bigger to begin with and not all mothers are. (Because being big is bad too right?)

And maybe some people just don't LIKE it. Breast feeding is not as "convenient" as people say it is. You literally have to drop everything at any given second to put a child on your boob. I had a snacker (Or I just didn't make enough, see above) so I was BFing every 20 minutes for at least 30 minutes each time. How the FUCK is that convenient? I couldn't just pass her over to dad or sister or anyone else to get some help. I Had no choice but to always be the only one who could make her happy.

I wouldn't let her climb out the window so she was angry (but free range is alright, right?)

And really, it's not about cloth diapers or breast feeding. It's about society thinking they have the right to push their beliefs on me. To make me feel like I'm the bad guy, the bad mom who isn't completely selfless and devoting all my time and money to my children. Everyday something is posted or said about one or the other and I have to sit here feeling like shit because I "chose" to do neither.

Fat is wrong.
Super skinny is wrong.
Disposables are wrong,
Formula is wrong.
Ignoring your children is wrong (ok that one is actually wrong, don't do that).
Playing with your children too much is wrong.
Letting them entertain themselves too much is wrong.

Now there are words a parent should and shouldn't use to make their child grow up happier and healthier. No one wants little assholes running around but discipline is wrong and "love is all you need". There is hardly ever a wrong choice (finger in blender is an example of wrong) just as there's hardly ever a right one in these things.

There is 'right for you' and 'right for me' and that's alright.

In the end what matters is you and your family being happy and healthy. Fuck everyone else.