Sunday, October 18, 2015

I Pretend


My natural personality pounds against the walls of my insecurities; fists raw and bleeding.

This thing that's slowly taking me over, enveloping every piece of my personality, has turned me into an anxious overly controlled mess.

My initial reaction claws at my insides, laying strips of what I can't fight bare.

I acquiesce.

I pretend.


This mask I wear stapled to my face with anger and terror is a perfected piece of art.

The world has invaded me.

Surrounded everything I used to be with restrictions and fears and I choke on the ideals forced down my throat.

Blood dripping from the razors edge.

This isn't me.



This socially accepted, dying inside, version of the girl I used to be is constricting what little life I have left until my breath dances over that edge between too little and just enough.

There is no just enough anymore.

Soon I'll be swallowed beyond recognition and drowning in my own lies.

*A very raw intense version of my day to day life. 

Friday, October 2, 2015

Dear Zoe's in Pullman..

We walked into Zoe's at 10 to 7, all four kids in tow. We'd tried other places but they were full or closed or not good for kids. We were ecstatic when we pulled in and the open sign was still flashing. Reyna had already begun "picking a seat" which translates to running around in circles saying "hi" to random chairs as I tried desperately to corral her while also carrying three littles worth of stuff in a giant diaper bag. My husband had both babies, one car seat in each hand, and Lindzy walked beside us laughing as I tried to grab my overly active nearly 2 year old.




"To go or?" the man asked smiling at them.

I smiled back and told the man we'd like to sit. It took us a bit to figure out what we all wanted (except my frap, I ordered that by the time my ass hit the bench) and everyone was pretty restless. Reyna and Lindzy ended up watching Netflix on Zoe's free WiFi while the boys sprawled on the floor beside us attempting to crawl but really just face planting on the too slippery floor (they've only ever been on carpet or grass). The waiter even washed out Reyna's accidentally moldy cup so she could enjoy the root beer Lindzy had.

I'd love to blame the two spills of water on the tiny kids littering my table but really it was my clumsy self. They brought out napkins and helped us clean up while cooing over how adorable the babies were. We'd begun eating by then, Reyna dipping her grilled cheese in ketchup, Steven and I playing Hearthstone while simultaneously feeding babies and eating when I realized we were the only people in there.

"Man I would feel terrible if they were actually closed and just waiting on us. But I mean, they'd have told us to leave, right?"



Steven nodded. We continued eating.

At 7:30 a man walked in and asked if they were open.

"No I'm sorry, we close at 7 right now."

I looked to the window and noticed they'd switched the open sign off. I finally looked up from my plate and kids long enough to realize they'd also cleaned up and only a couple workers were actually there.

I panicked.

"They're legit closed, we have to go."

I scrambled every piece of crap we'd spread out into my bag, we loaded up the screaming kids into car seats, corralled Reyna by making Lindzy hold her very upset to be controlled hand, and went to pay. I apologized for our unintended rudeness profusely and the woman checking us out said it was NO BIG DEAL.



I wanted to cry.

They were so exceptionally nice in the face of my loud and expressive dinner party when they had absolutely no reason to be. They checked on us while we ate, gave us extra time to think about what we wanted, even listened to stories about the kids and laughed at them any time they threw a fit (which was unfortunately often because it was bedtime).

My husband happened to get overtime the week before so as a celebration of our upcoming birthdays and anniversary we decided to go out - something we never do because it's expensive and most people are pretty open in their judgement of my family.

I want to say an extremely sincere thank you to Zoe's for not only accepting us without judgment but doing so after hours when you could have rightfully sent us away. Thank you for making the experience enjoyable for my kids and for myself. Thank you for going out of your way to make me feel better about being so inconsiderate. Thank you for cooking us really tasty food (also reasonably priced I might add) after you'd closed and not complaining or limiting the menu.

Just, thank you.

My 5$ tip isn't as much as you deserve or as much as I wish I could give but our very limited funds don't allow much wiggle room. Please accept this letter/blog/review/apology in lieu of something more. I wish I'd gotten your names because you all made my extremely stressful week so much better. Unnecessary kindness is rare these days. Thank you for showing me it still exists because I had begun to doubt it.